HarrisonJ1213

starbucks coffee rings fashion pumpkins halloween love costumes people famous mermaid ocean fish starfish whales ernest hemingway authors famous authors 1800's emily dickinson poetry short stories english journalism newspaper interviews cute boys omg nails nalien puns punny snl saturdays weekends hot chocolate murder knives anvil donald duck looney tunes television 1950's marilyn monroe audrey hepburn hitchcock old cinema cary grant jimmy stewart wonderful life christmas presents **santa** funny or die internet drunk drinking alchohol dumb humor dry desert cactus anger sweaty nike dick's sporting goods shoelaces sportswear shoes high heels homecoming dresses balls 1700's marie antoinette killing germans holocaust jews star of david thumbs opposable monkeys jungle rainforest bananas fruit salad **vegetables**

Taylor wants to eat nothing but candy because she is a fat and greedy child, but her mother only offers her vegetables and tofu because she is a victim of child diabetes.

"I will never eat my vegetables! Never, never, never," said Taylor, a pompous and excessively obese child, having grown up on nothing but fruit snacks and moose tracks ice cream. Taylor had very little intelligence and motivation to do anything except trick-or-treat and play Cooking Mama in his family's lavish apartment right above a candy store in Liverpool. This is probably where Taylor adopted his love of sweet and sugary things, although his mother's bakery-from-home probably did not help his already fragile position of near-detonation. His body could barely confine the pounds of chocolate and twinkies that were digested by his ever-expanding stomach on a daily basis.

One lonely morning, Taylor's dear but also very fragile mother, Tooty, thought to herself that is quite possible for her darling pumpkin to spontaneously combust in just a short matter of time due to the extremity of his poor diet, and what a waste that would be as it was Taylor's responsibility to take over his father's very successful law firm. Then she remembered what hell it was to birth the ample bastard and she went quietly and begrudgingly back to her work, recollecting Taylor's day of birth and cursing all the while.

The next day, Tooty decided she must take action immediately. She pondered her position and the position of her plump doughnut of a son and decided that the best way to improve his diet would be to stuff him full of all of his favorite foods; so much so that he would //have// to despise them. Therefore she went to the nearest convenience story and rather than buy cute packages of peanuts and raisins to give nutrients to her dear little brownie, she bought every twinkie and Hostess cupcake on the rack and took it home with her. She opened the door upon her arrival, and shouted up to Taylor, "Dearest! Oh dearest cupcake! Please do come down and wash up for dinner!"

Taylor hobbled and gallumphed down the stairs, shaking the house with every step and upon seeing the mound of twinkies and strawberry Hostess cupcakes that were bounteously laid before him in the most appealing way he drooled voracoiusly. He immediately began whorking down all that was in front of him, too involved in his work to wipe the drool trickling down his chin nor breath, which is how he was able to choke on his own tongue. Spewing forth bits of high fructose corn syrup he smashed his plump head onto the table, breaking the couture piece of furniture into halves and fell back onto his resilient bottom, still coughing and wheezing. All the while, his mother stood by the stove screaming and flailing her arms, running circles around the island covered with processed food wrappers.

Like Godzilla emerging from the womb of an enormous whale, Taylor heaved himself forward after much difficulty and with an irate growl, he exploded.

Bits of his body were flung about the room. The counter was littered with oversized pieces of liver, intestines and other miscellaneous parts of a pre-pubescent male.The floor was dyed red--a syrupy mess seeping into the cotton candy colored carpet. The most gruesome of it all was the face hanging from the drapery--entirely intact--only missing the eyeballs and the bone structure beneath it. Totty stared blankly and with horror at the remnants of her dear halfling, the scattered chunks of her son. She collapsed to the floor in a fit of madness and began to roll in the blood, like a pig in a mud pile. She drooled and gnashed her teeth, and pounded her fists to the ground, still screaming bloody murder. After half an hour of her nonsense, she cooked herself a hunk of lamb and sat down at the table. She took her fork and began to cut the meat, only to notice the fingernail on her plate.

She lept up from her chair, gave out a soul-splitting scream and ran upstairs to fetch her sewing kit.

As she descended the stairs, Tooty had a look of pure insanity in her eyes. Once again, she sat down at the table calmly, laying out all of her needles and threads and a pin-cushion in the shape of a tomato. She emptied her basket and began to walk around the kitchen and the dining area picking up the leftovers of Taylor. She positioned each part of him in an orderly fashion on the counter, replicating an accurate diagram of the human body.

She began with the lungs.

She took her needle and her thread and began to sew each part of her child back together. She thought it best to do the sewing by hand as the materials before her were fragile and rather slimy. Piece by piece she conjoined Taylor once again. The skin was the trickiest part, however it had been split into nice slabs, for lack of a better word, and therefore made it much easier for the amateur tailor to do what she had set out to do. She made very careful sure to leave out one specific part--the one that had caused all the trouble in the first place.

And with a heavy sigh and a small cackle, Tooty admired her handiwork. She heaved her son off the table and held him above her head as best she could. The lifeless Taylor hung there like a ragdoll, dangling over a mess of half-eaten strawberry twinkies now covered with a seemingly strawberry syrup that matched the similarly cotton candy and strawberry syrup carpeting.

Taylor's father then entered the house to find a demonic looking creature with a blood stained apron holding a Frankenstein over her head with a human stomach sitting on the plate before her. And he immediately had a heart attack and fell to the ground. Tooty, after analyzing the situation, decided to add to her doll collection.